On December 23, my grandma passed away peacefully. I was there with her, along with my mom, as well as two of my mom’s friends. She was 83, and up until two weeks prior, had still been working and driving and never needed any help getting around.

To say it happened swiftly and shockingly is an understatement. 

My grandma was like a parent to me. I lived with her and my grandfather from the time I was in kindergarten until I graduated high school. This loss has been, and continues to be, like that of losing a parent.

Christmas was a lot sadder this year, though we all did the best we could. We knew we’d all be getting back together again in a few days to plan, and then attend, a funeral. 

I did a lot of driving back and forth the second half of December, between my home and my mom’s, about an hour and a half away. I quickly realized being in silence was the furthest thing from helpful for me. I also realized that trying to rush any feelings or grief, trying to wrap up any loose ends or be fully available for anyone else at the drop of a hat, simply wasn’t possible. 

I needed instead to give myself space to breath and space to feel.

The day before she died, I had a suspicion that there wouldn’t be a miracle. She wouldn’t want any intervention, and she’d certainly have been angry to know what state she was in at the end. I prepared myself both by giving myself said space and by seeking out books which might be helpful in the immediate days and weeks following her passing. 

I’m not religious. I tried a number of areas of belief and nothing’s quite gelled with me. I have, however, found yogic philosophy and Buddhist philosophies to align closest to my mindset, both as we are here as people, as well as in what might lie for us after death. I wanted a book or two that would come at loss from these perspectives, as I am comfortable there, as well as comfortable navigating the areas which don’t resonate with me in some way. 

I got a number of great recommendations from fellow readers, as well as from those who aren’t necessarily readers but who have themselves experienced big loss. Here’s what I picked up and what’s been especially helpful for me. 

24/6 by Tiffany Shlain

What would a book about unplugging from the online world for a day have to do with grief and loss? I wouldn’t have ever expected this book to me what helped me in those most tender moments during my driving, but it did.

Shlain’s book is about her family’s practice of a tech Shabbat. Each Friday evening, the entire family unplugs and shuts down all technology so they can focus on doing things that require no tech. This means planning out travel routes prior to Friday night to print directions or making use of an old-school map if they forget or choose to travel elsewhere. It means no cell phones but reliance on a landline in the event there’s an emergency. 

About 2/3 of the way through the book, though, Shlain — who performs the audiobook herself — starts to talk about losing her father. She talks about how important having time with her husband and kids without the noise of the rest of the world was. This hit me so hard, and it was a powerful reminder to be there with my grandmother in the hospital.

The discussion of grief and loss here was surprising, and it tapped something deep in me. Both because I felt everything Shlain was talking about and because it reminded me how precious or time really is and how saying no to screens for a measly 24 hours can really and truly make an impact on your relationships.  

Walking Each Other Home: Conversations on Loving and Dying by Ram Dass and Mirabai Bush

Christmas week had something in the air, as Ram Dass passed the day before my grandma did. I began to dig into his teachings earlier this year, thanks to my 500-hour teacher training modules, and it felt right to pick up this book. 

This isn’t a typical narrative nonfiction title. Instead, it’s a series of conversations held between Bush and Dass about what happens after we die. Dass, whose life was completely changed after a stroke, had done a lot of thinking about death and what comes after, and Bush talks with him about our spirits and where they go once we leave our bodies. 

We fear death because we don’t know it, and Dass walks through getting to know what death is and how to come to peace with the fact it happens to us all at some point, as well as to everyone we love. He talks about how to sit with the dying, as well as how to grieve, and I found so much comfort in how my grandmother’s death happened, as well as the choices we made as a family afterward. 

I love the idea that death is the beginning of a new type of relationship. There’s something extremely comforting in that, and it’s been a rock in my grieving. I can feel and experience the sadness, but I can also have a relationship with my grandma in a new and different way. I can’t call her on the phone or hear her laugh again, but I can see her in many new, different ways and that will never go away until I do. 

True Refuge: Finding Peace and Freedom In Your Own Awakened Heart by Tara Brach

I’ve read Tara Brach before — her Radical Acceptance is a great primer for Buddhist teachings for those who have no knowledge of them. But I picked this one up because it seemed like a good one to pair with the Dass book and I wasn’t wrong. I popped this on audio and listened during my drives.

Brach’s book is about the ways we find refuge when life gets hard. We can find true refuge, which requires getting real with your experiences, your emotions, your actions, and your thoughts. We can also find false refuges, which are tools we use to feel better but don’t actually help us feel better (think: alcohol, eating, etc). Through meditations, examples, and practices, Brach digs into how we can cultivate the true refuge within us.

The idea of letting what is be is simple, conceptually, but in practice, it’s hard as hell. This was a reminder that that’s important to do, though, as it’s a practice in understanding suffering and non-attachment. Being able to get radically present with anything, especially grief, is a hard-earned gift but it’s been a buoy to me.

Other Books On My Pile

I haven’t gotten to everything I want to read, and chances are good that I’ll seek out more books as the rawness begins to smooth a bit more. Here’s what’s on my pile — if you’ve got other recommendations akin to these, I’d love to hear them. I’d prefer not to read about the dying process or memoirs about loss but rather, the deeper philosophical/spiritual side of things.

*When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Hard Times by Pema Chödrön

*Yoga for Grief: Simple Practices for Transforming Your Grieving Mind and Body by Antonio Sausys

*It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand by Megan Devine